The true and unfinished story of Der Hans und Die Grätel
A story of deception and deceive (or the other way around). Once upon a time there was a witch. Every self respecting witch should live deep in a forest, be ugly and do wicked things. Well, you might say, that’s exactly my mother in law, but that is an illusion.
Of course there is some discrepancy between doing wicked things all day and living deep in a forest. Changing frogs in a prince to fuck starts to get boring. So this self respecting witch started to think of a trick. In our story the wicked witch made her house of candy. This should attract young lads like der Hans, who hungry after being too long lost in the wood would start to nibble on the house. The idea was not as brilliant as it might have looked like at forehand. Because, as every of you small listeners might know, children are not allowed to enter any Witch forest alone.
For this we need another wicked woman: the stephmother. As all you little listeners might know. Stephmothers are much worse than wicked witches or even mothers in law. And then of course there is Die Grätel, the sister of Hans. She is really needed to help the wicked witch to be wicked in this story. So here we have four wicked woman, and one Hans. And because the mother in law does not play any role of importance we might even say there are only 3 wicked women.
The poor boy and three wicked women. So any story that Hans survived is a lie. It is just keeping up the idea that at least one of the women was not evil. In the fairy tale it is the sister. But maybe the sister was even more evil than the rest. So the story is clear: the witch cellphones the stephmother that she was bored to death with all these princes and that she wanted some good boy flesh. Just to nibble and suck, and make him loose his innocence and virginity. And by pure female domination make him do things he up until then, he was sweet 17, never had heart of.
Well that was the fantasy of the witch, but we know better. For Hans, as every young healthy lad should do, was spreading his sperm like hell. The witch promised the stephmother some juicy stories and the videotape and the stephmother promised to make Hans get lost in the forest of the witch. (This of course is a metaphor.) The stephmother wanted to play save. She needed an accomplish. And that is where Grätel entered the story.
Grätel, as you must know, my little listeners, was not very attractive. But that was just because of her age and the way she treated herself. The stephmother knew that and kept that situation to dominate her. So she taught the girl a trick how to deceive the boy of the neighbours and a new world opened for Grätel. Greedy to learn more tricks, she started to please the stephmother. And thus the conspiracy against Hans was ripe to burst open.
On a not so sunny day Grätel invited Hans to make a walk through the woods. She said that their father was working there on a fine open spot and they could surprise him. That was quite surprising for Hans, because their father was a supermarket manager, and why should this “always-the-lowest-price” faggot father work in the woods? He must have known that something was wrong. So it is beyond our possibilities to understand why he went with this unattractive Grätel to the woods.
Well we know what happened: Grätel pretended to be lost and Hans thinking of tricks to keep track and than finally they encounter this stupid house made of Candy. “But I am 17”, Hans said, “I don’t like this kind of sweet anymore, I prefer another kind of sweet, you know what I mean”. Here the true story ends, because it is too obvious and already very boring. We only dare to tell you that Der Hans never returned from “being lost in the woods” after having some interesting experiences. And that is the moral of this true story: why bother after the experience of being alive once? We don’t need to introduce the stephmother to explain this, but who cares?